Am I really the bad guy?!? [rant]

[fcgamer]

I know that I don't always get back to answering PM's as fast as I should, and for all of the great people here I really would like to apologize for that.  Working and studying has just taken the toll on my free time, and as many of you here know, I like to write a lot when I answer my PMs since I consider many of you here friends, and feel that friends should chat with each other casually, as well as business.  Since I don't always have a time to write a long email or message, then I am sometimes quite delayed.  So please forgive me on that.  Now onto the topic at hand:

Over the summer I began participating in a language exchange with an older couple (maybe their 60s), which had approached me in a restaurant.  They had asked if I could give them personal English lessons, and because I hate to put a figure on something like language, I told them I would gladly teach them in exchange for some Chinese lessons, since I had been wanting to improve my Chinese for awhile (and these days I just don't have the discipline for self-study).  Well my Taiwanese girlfriend had gotten pissed at me over this, since she felt that she should be the one teaching me Chinese; however, everytime she tried to teach me Chinese, we both just got frustrated, and since our relationship is semi-long distance (we only see each other once a week, or twice if lucky), I felt that I would rather spend my time with her doing fun things, instead of things that make me feel nervous, embarassed, etc.

I saw this language exchange as an excellent thing (the couple are both teachers at a local high school, so they know how to teach) and I also felt it saved me from paying $800 every three months taking classes from the local university, which I had planned on doing if something else like language exchange didn't occur.  Eventually my girlfriend agreed to the whole thing, but she didn't want me going to their home to study, and I worked it out with the couple that we would meet in a convenience store for our lessons.

Well a few weeks ago the convenience store was crowded, and we needed a place to study, so we went back to the old couple's home to study (they live less than 5 minutes from the convenience store, by walking).  I didn't mention anything of this to my girlfriend, because I didn't want her to get worried, or to get angry at me...big mistake.

From that night on, I began having language exchange at their house, as it was more convenient.  Tonight my girlfriend called and she got extremely angry that I never mentioned the new set up to her.  I realize and understand that I should have mentioned this to her before, but at the same time I also know that she is the type of person that would have gotten angry at me if I did say something earlier...so I felt as though I was in a catch-22 situation.

In addition, last week my girlfriend and I had a fight and during the fight she had told me that she had felt butterflies in her stomach about one of the camp people who was working in the same summer camp programme as her, back in June or July.  She told me that this feeling went away after a few days, but I just can't help but feel that although maybe I shouldn't have kept the language exchange location a secret, her feelings towards the other guy was a bit more detrimental to our relationship, and she had kept it a secret for about two months, only willing to blurt it out during an argument.  And although I felt hurt and upset, I felt that I was quicker to try to resolve the issue and move on than she is regarding something that I see as being a bit less trivial, less detrimental, towards our relationship.  It just doesn't seem fair to me.

So do you guys think I am the bad guy here?  Or is she being petty?  Damn, the whole thing just made a crappy day even worse. 

[L___E___T]

Seeing as you asked - reading this feels like a classic case of women are from venus, men from mars...  Know how much trouble I've gotten into before from not realising certain things?  I thought it was a cultural gap but I think it's just the aforementioned.

I don't think you are the bad guy, but I really wouldn't stress about it - it's not something you're gonna avoid getting wrong and knowing why - I've found don't get emotional over it, just do what you need to get past it and then play some Famicom.

I actually had some really good advice from a female colleague once - I'll PM you.

[tappybot]

It sounds like she's critical of you without being critical of herself.

The fact that she hid that she was attracted to someone else isn't the problem, but I don't like that she threw it in your face while you were fighting.

I don't think it's her business who you learn Chinese from, unless you're hooking up with other chicks to do so, and you're not.. it's an old couple.
Not everyone can teach, even if they're knowledgeable about something.

[manuel]

Yes, I think she's being petty, and from what you write, you're 100% in the good.

You're an adult and it's your decision where you take lessons.
I don't understand why this would even be an issue. You can get lessons in exchange for lessons. That's a great deal.
This gives you time to spend more time with your gf. That's just ideal.

Why is she so against you learning Chinese from strangers? Does she think you'll cheat on her with a 60yo couple?   
Or can she reasonably assume that the elder couple is somehow dangerous?

[senseiman]

Tough situation, I feel for you!  You are definitely not a bad guy!

After 11 years of marriage, there are four things I have learned about relationships which might apply in your situation.  Apologies in advance if some of this comes off as armchair relationship adivce, feel free to ignore it (I obviously don't know all the details and some of this is just me liking the sound of my own voice):

1) Language exchanges in a relationship never work.  Basically for the reason you said: it just makes communication between you more difficult and frustrating.  My wife and I tried it at first and it didn`t work.  Of course now that my Japanese is good enough I can just speak to her in Japanese when I want (though the majority of our communication is still in English), but only when it comes naturally. 

2)  Having said that, always tell your girlfriend/wife stuff like that, even when it it totally innocent and unimportant.  I used to just tell my wife stuff that I thought she needed to know and would always get in trouble when she found out about something I hadn`t told her about. The feeling of having been kept in the dark about something, even if you had a good reason for it or just thought it wasn`t worth mentioning, is the one thing that will piss girlfriends/wives off more than any other (short of you actually cheating on them, but I`ve never been down that road).

3) Her not wanting you to take lessons from someone else may be a sign of insecurity on her part.  Rational explanations don`t necessarily work in situations like that when someone is emotional.  She probably feels a bit left out and the best approach might be to try to include her in the activity somehow rather than taking a hardline "I'm taking these lessons, end of discussion" stance, at least if you are serious about her.

4) This other guy she mentioned isn`t important, otherwise she wouldn`t have mentioned him.  It sounds more like she is just using his existence as a bargaining chip against you rather than seriously considering him.

[security16]

For some reason this is screaming that this is a bad relationship to me. I suppose this is why I don't get on with other women often because they have silly outlooks on things like relationships. As my special man friend of the night time variety says bitches be crazy.

Not the bad guy but I really do think you both need to have a long and hard think and talk about where you want this relationship to go and if it's worth the hassles.