Famicom World

Misc. => Off-Topic Chat => Topic started by: MaxXimus on September 01, 2018, 08:34:38 PM



Title: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on September 01, 2018, 08:34:38 PM
I lost my job. I lost my wife. I lost my sense of who I am and Iíve lost the will guys. Iím having very strong feelings about my future and what it holds. Iím considering having myself admitted. I know this isnít the place but I just thought I would share with some people who may or may not have gotten to know me over the last 11 years. Mitchell as everyone knew him is gone. This is the new me. Hello.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: L___E___T on September 01, 2018, 09:25:50 PM


MaxXimus I donít know what to say...  Please get some help if you think you need it and talk to your family, donít go scaring us buddy.  Glad that you let us know youíre going through some tough times, and you can always ask for help from your friends here.  That is what FamicomWorld means to me, Iím guessing it must be a part true for you as well.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: P on September 01, 2018, 09:46:26 PM
I'm sorry to hear you are going through some rough times, and we can do very little but give words of encouragement.
I hope your children are ok. Yes talk to your family, and don't give up!


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MWK on September 01, 2018, 09:54:48 PM
You haven't lost everything buddy - you have us, your favourite console and the passion for it!
I know it may sounds unreasonable from a "person far away" from you and your troubles, but all I'm saying is just try to keep that in mind, You haven't lost everything MaxXimus :pow:
Stay safe.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on September 01, 2018, 10:03:13 PM
Iím now with the police and they are taking me to the CRC to get help. That is where Iím going to be for a bit I think. Take care guys


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: UglyJoe on September 02, 2018, 01:23:55 AM
Max, wow.  Get all the help you need.  Get better, man.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: Retrospectives on September 02, 2018, 05:31:02 AM
Hi Mitch. Thanks for sharing what happen. I know you went through a lot lately years, but nothing is more important than life itself. Is not wrong getting professional help and we at FW are always here to talk. Although I not so openly about my private life, I had experiences and I know life can be really messed up...to an extent whereas standing to the edge of decision of question life itself.

Please feel free sending a PM, or just want discuss in this thread. You are a great guy and if want a radical change, you are anyday welcome to Japan. Sometime change of enviroment, if just only briefly is very refreshing and while I cannot understand what you going through in detail, I can sense is very serious for you, and like you see, people here do care and so do I.

Stay safe and take any measure of help that is available.

Best wishes.



Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on September 02, 2018, 11:53:17 AM
Thanks for the words guys. It does mean a lot. I got released last night with some information to read. They are also writing a note to my doctor about the gravity of the situation because he doesn't really want to listen to me anymore i feel. They are requesting he refers me to a psychiatrist. I have also been signed up for CBT classes as well as a mood disorder group. I may start getting my medications swapped around until we can find something that is going to work for me. I just feel so empty and lost.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: Retrospectives on September 02, 2018, 12:12:57 PM
Thanks for the words guys. It does mean a lot. I got released last night with some information to read. They are also writing a note to my doctor about the gravity of the situation because he doesn't really want to listen to me anymore i feel. They are requesting he refers me to a psychiatrist. I have also been signed up for CBT classes as well as a mood disorder group. I may start getting my medications swapped around until we can find something that is going to work for me. I just feel so empty and lost.

Glad to hear they, but most important yourself acknowledge the fact there is an issue and that help is required. Too many people go around without getting proper help they need, so hopefully you can get that help now. I would also check for DBT therapy depending on your overall mental situation which I not knowing much about.

Regards of medicine, some type of mood stabilizer, or even a weak anti-psychotic medicine might be benificial, although very sedative. I have medical knowledge due to having relatives being mentally ill, but in your case of course you should of course consult with doctor. Sad fact is finding a good doctor can be tricky, but once found, I am sure you will work out something, not only for short term (like bensodiazepines or similar) but longer term and how to deal with anxiety and such thing is a very good choice you sign up for classes such as CBT.

I really wish you the best.  :D


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on September 02, 2018, 12:25:26 PM
Ive been on antipsychotics before, a couple actually. I am part of the 1% of the population that has a paradox effect from them. They make me very angry and stimulated.

What is DBT?


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: Retrospectives on September 02, 2018, 12:36:34 PM
Ive been on antipsychotics before, a couple actually. I am part of the 1% of the population that has a paradox effect from them. They make me very angry and stimulated.

What is DBT?

I understand. Yes, there are some people getting adverse effect on that, just like with AD(D)HD or other neurological diagnosed people cannot feel effect of stimulants or getting the opposite reaction. I guess adderall is the best example but when it come to antipsychotics I would say unless given a proper dose of anti-extrapyramidial medicine to counter off the side effects of both old and atypical antipsychotics things can turn nasty and I know for example one guy could not sit still, or sleep, or do anything until they came up that they missed to give him a dose of Pargitan.

You ever been on mood stabilizers? Lithium, valproic acid and similar has proven a good effect. Risk is adding too much is just messing up the system, but I guess you have experience that you know what I mean. For person feeling both lost and perhaps depressed is difficult. SSRI sure does help some people, but at same time they are not stabilizing mood per se, but rather just affects the serotonin levels, and while OK for depression of course theraphy should be there as well.

Honestly I would say CBT is kind of a bit of popular since last 10 years or so. Anything from losing weight to stop smoking, to basically many thing. For many people is very good and I think is a good idea. But DBT focus more on the psychological side rather than just the cognitive side. I don't know if anything for you, but I can really recommend it since is a different approach and different approaches/perspectives I believe is always kind of good to be open minded.

DBT = Dialectical Behavior Therapy

https://behavioraltech.org/resources/faqs/dialectical-behavior-therapy-dbt/


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on September 02, 2018, 12:48:06 PM
Thanks, I'll check it out.

Right now the medications I am on are

Cymbalta 60mg (SNRI) (Prescribed 1 time a day)
Clonaazapam 0.5mg (Benzodiazapine) (Prescribed 2 times a day. I only take as needed)
Marijuana 15%-20% THC (Indica) (Prescribed 5 grams a day. I only use about 3)


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: Retrospectives on September 02, 2018, 01:00:12 PM
I see. How long you been on SNRI? Does it work for you? My experience is that they are useful as complement to other medications. I would say a mood stabilizer in combination with SNRI/SSRI medications. Sure, SNRI on its own can help cutting the worst rollercoaster emotions, but a proper mood stabilizer is often needed to be more "steady".

Clonazepam is not very prescribed here in Japan, but other Bensodiazepines are. Flunitrazepam probably is the strongest, but I would advice against it unless having it as "backup" for really serious anxiety attack-situations, although I know some people have very high tolerance and literally can go on with a bensodiazepine for years without develop dependence.

THC  ;D Lucky you. Could ever dream about that in this country, but even then I probably not would take any strain of THC. I don't even drink alcohol nowadays but if asked me 10 years ago hahaha.

Only thing I see of your medication that might not be enough is the SNRI. I think it need additional mood stabilizer. I am not a doctor but I have years of experience ( I even tried many those medicines myself just to see what happened when I was younger  :P ) But yes, hopefully now you can get the help that you really need. Nobody deserves feeling that bad, and if really serious there is always people willing to give their little help what they can, even on such a small place as FW.

Hope you can give us a little bit of update after a while if you found another doctor or gotten other medicine here or in PM. If need talk the door is always open. Best wishes.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on September 02, 2018, 02:57:51 PM
I actually think clonazepam May be stronger than flunitrazepam. 1-2mg of flunitrazepam is equal to about 5mg diazepam whereas 0.25-0.5mg clonazepam is equal to about 5mg diazepam. Iíve never been on flunitrazepam so I canít say for sure. Iíve also been on lorazepam, diazepam, and alprazolam.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: Retrospectives on September 02, 2018, 03:10:47 PM
Yes, that might very well be true.

Flunitrazepam has a shorter half life though (what I read), but both are on the more fast onset for servere panic attacks and similar, while I would say Diazepam on the other hand is on the extreme end with a unnaturally long half life probably best for thing like social phobia and such thing, although any bensodiazepine would probably do the job if really needed, but if tapering down or trapping out then Diazepam or something similar would be "smoother" to go through first since many of these are literally (excuse my languge) hell to stop after a longer time.

You certainly most probably have more experience than me though, but is really like love/hate feeling. Great when really needed to calm down but if taken too much for extended periods of time it might do more good than bad. Unfortunately.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: fcgamer on September 02, 2018, 03:32:25 PM
Hi Mitch, I woke up this morning to seeing your post here, and that is definitely not the way I prefer to wake up on my Sunday.

I want to wish you the best. Like everyone else on the forums, I don't know the details of what you are going through, but I can also sense that it's quite a big situation. Everyone here at Nintendo Age is rooting for you, and I am also in the club of folks that is willing to listen, should you need someone to talk to.

I really wish you the best, and will keep you in my prayers. Everything happens for a reason, but in the end, there's always some sort of deeper silver lining. I hope all will work out for you bro.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on September 02, 2018, 11:06:56 PM
Things are way too intense for me now. Iím going to an inpatient program for a few days. Iím just packing some things.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: Retrospectives on September 03, 2018, 07:35:44 AM
To have the self awareness of knowing when is time to reach out for the help is a very good sign which proves you take your issues in a most serious way. Too many people don't know how and when is time to seek out that help and then it might be too late already.

With that said. I am glad you're able to do the sane thing and get the professional help now and not later. Wish you the best of luck and that you get the help you need.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: fcgamer on September 03, 2018, 10:41:00 AM
To have the self awareness of knowing when is time to reach out for the help is a very good sign which proves you take your issues in a most serious way. Too many people don't know how and when is time to seek out that help and then it might be too late already.

With that said. I am glad you're able to do the sane thing and get the professional help now and not later. Wish you the best of luck and that you get the help you need.


I feel exactly the same way, Retrospectives.  Being able to know and recognize that things are spinning out of control, and thus time to seek help, is a step in the right direction, one which many people sadly can't recognize.

Mitch, we all wish you the best.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on September 05, 2018, 01:51:51 PM
Yesterday was a really rough day for me. I woke up in the morning to take my meds and they handed me my antidepressant and clonazepam and a glass of water. I took them, and the nurse was just sort of standing there so I knew something was up. They took my medical marijuana away because I put it in a container that didnít have the original label(even though I had my medical documentation) they changed my clonazepam so I could have it when ever as needed, and I ended up taking 3 of them yesterday. No marijuana at all. I ordered more marijuana from my LP and then got on the phone with them and explained about where I was and how my meds were taken away and asked if they could push my order(at the end of the long weekend) to the front of the line. Today my medical marijuana arrived in my city from 2 provinces over and I should have it with all proper documentation later today. They have now changed my clonazepam to 2 times daily as needed in anticipation of it. I am going to be seeing a psychiatrist later today. Hopefully we can figure out some strategies to help me once I get discharged in a few days. We may discuss a slightly longer stay program. I donít know. Sorry for the wall of text. The clonazepam has made my head all fuzzy.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MWK on September 06, 2018, 05:23:27 AM
MaxXimus, it's all OK, keep writing and keep us posted, please.
Also, watch out for that clonazepam to NOT overdose it, this stuff sticks to your brain like meth even after a brief period of using...
Take care out there buddy :pow:


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on September 06, 2018, 12:18:44 PM
Day 4.  Honestly. Today has started on a good note which is totally abnormal for me. The funniest thing ever (in my head anyway) happened yeatrtday.  So I get my medical marijuana with proper labels and everything so they let me use it again. For anyone who is a daily user and stops for even a brief period will probably relate to this. I smoked my bowl, and I got so baked that I stood outside wondering how I was going to play it cool when I went back in there. So I finally work up the courage to bring my pipe and lighter back to the nurse. Iím  all trying to play it cool so I decide to not look her in the eyes or say anything as I hand the pipe back. Smooooooth I know. Do you think she knew?

Anyway that situation made me laugh for a bit, then I cried because I had a realization that all in all, Iím not a very stable person. I shared what happened (less the super baked part) with the nurse and she gave some insight.

The psychiatrist has set me up to start taking part in a UFIT program which consists of CBT and some other stuff. Managing anxiety and controlling mood swings. Find strategies to cope with life and everything it brings. I am by no means fixed? Not even close, but maybe there is a future for me. I donít know what it holds, but neither does anyone else. Right?

I think Iím making some progress.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: Retrospectives on September 06, 2018, 04:13:46 PM
I wouldn't want to use the word "fixed" vs "non fixed" but rather I think life is a journey of certain period when we feel better or worse. Sometimes so bad we cannot take responsibility over what we do, but that is why there is help to get. At the same time, I am sure a person that sometime had life experience and going through hard time also have a choice, to continue trying the best or become a bitter of life person. I think you are not that bitter person, and that is why you seek out help.

So in many ways, you are taking care of yourself by taking and creating a chance for you to do so. So please follow through and I am sure that in the time it might take, you will learn not only how to avoid situations as you described that you became very sad about realize that you are not very stable.

My point is that I believe from the little I read is you are really a person that can make those changes. Not only did you realize and actually sought out for help, but one thing when you are inside there that you have is probably time to think about life, and while realizing many facts, is of course might seem tragic and miserable, but in the end, is a new start for something different. So yes, progress it is. Absolutely.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on September 06, 2018, 07:22:11 PM
I had a severe panic attack today. My kids mom kept saying over and over about how she wanted all these things that I couldnít offer her and I kept asking her to stop and she wouldnít. I donít even know why Iím posting this stuff itís just insane. To be honest I think Iím headed for a longer term program.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: togemet2 on September 07, 2018, 06:02:55 AM
Wow I wasn't expecting to see this type of thread here in my lifetime. I'm sorry to hear what happened.

I hope you feel better soon. Please don't give up. You can get through the bad times.  :'(


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: P on September 07, 2018, 09:40:04 AM
Retrospectives said some good things I think. Maybe I'm just stupid, but I think that as with any struggle I think you will feel there are times of progress and other times you feel you are going just going backwards, and at those hard times I think it's the most important to not give up. We are on your side man, so keep fighting.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: Retrospectives on September 07, 2018, 09:57:46 AM
I had a severe panic attack today. My kids mom kept saying over and over about how she wanted all these things that I couldnít offer her and I kept asking her to stop and she wouldnít. I donít even know why Iím posting this stuff itís just insane. To be honest I think Iím headed for a longer term program.

Sorry to hear that. May I ask, how you handle when a panic attack occur? I mean, some people become sad and cry, some people angry, some people resort to substances (drugs, alcohol, or other things to calm down). By no mean I try telling you what to do or not. I understand thing need it take time, but I suppose there is why there is a need of going throght with the CBT. Learning how to tackle the anxiety before it breaks out into full fledged panic attack.

I also have very anxious sometime, especially during my youth, but nothing about human is totally static I believe. There is always some dynamic to twist or bend and finally we can find a way sorting out our reactions to other people actions. Of course, not we should become robots, but you know, just more self aware about how we act and especially react to other people that might now always want to say something nice.

Please keep updating, as you can see. We are a whole bunch people caring a lot. You are doing fine. Stay as long as you need. In my opinion, extended period of stay is nothing bad. Rather the opposite. Good luck!


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on September 07, 2018, 11:00:16 AM
When I have a panic attack, it consists of either absolute terror(I act as though Iím about to be murdered) or uncontrollable breathing and crying hysterically. I get severe tunnel vision and my teeth start vibrating. I donít mean chattering like when youíre cold. I literally mean they feel like they are vibrating. Think how a control rumbles, but from the inside of my teeth. . I had a crisis worker work with me through it and once I was calm enough they gave me my clonazepam and decided I had had enough stress for the day so suggested I turn my phone off to get away from the outside world.

Iíve been signed up for UFIT which consists of CBT and other stuff, as well as signed up for see a counsellor, and they are seeing what they can do to get me referred to a psychiatrist. Today the nurse wants to stick only to clonazepam and leave the medical marijuana alone for the day. At this point Iíll try anything.

I feel physically ill like Iím going to vomit.

Post Merge: September 07, 2018, 06:20:23 PM
Ok seriously I know this is probably fleeting but they gave me back my marijuana again after taking it away the second time, and Iím just at the doctors office outside of the treatment building, and I feel not great, but pretty good. Right now I am on my 60mg cymbalta, 0.5mg clonazepam(which I am not too happy about) and my beloved medical marijuana that I cherish so very much. My children are one of the only things I love more than my beautiful beautiful THC.

Post Merge: September 08, 2018, 12:22:45 PM
Yesterday was not that bad actually. I had a bunch of downs, but I also had some ups, and for a little, I forgot about everything that was bugging me, and I was able to socialize in an upbeat way with some of the other clients. I know that reality is waiting for me once Iím out of here, but I am trying to have supports put in place for when that happens because itís going to be rocky.

Iíve been thinking a LOT about how crazy of a trip life is. Itís got so many highs and lows, there are things you will see and do that will blow your mind. Existence provides a trip so intense, psychedelics couldnít even begin to match what it has to offer. For something so immensely extreme and intense, maybe itís worth hanging around to whiteness how it al unfolds.

Iím not Christian, or religious at all really for that matter (though thereís nothing wrong with it) but I am feeling more spiritual every day. Weíre all part of something so grand we could never even begin to imagine.

Post Merge: September 08, 2018, 07:49:18 PM
I just wanted to say that I have two of the most amazing friends ever. I got a day pass for 4 hours, and they took me out for food, they bought me a nice pair of pants, and took me to this really cool candy store with a bunch of stuff you canít buy in Canada Normally. You people in the USA are lucky. Peach Crush is amazing.

Anyway the point of this is they made me feel really good about myself today. Itís been a while.

Post Merge: September 09, 2018, 09:23:37 AM
I have not really slept at all. This one nurse keeps telling me I should be cutting back on the marijuana and itís to the point where I am barely using one gram out of my 5 gram script. Iíve cut back so much to try and keep him happy and itís throwing my whole system out of whack. I just had this insanely vivid nightmare where I was being attacked by someone. I canít remember it but I ended up just kicking at the air for a few seconds thinking I was fighting for my life.

Post Merge: September 09, 2018, 11:27:41 PM
Aright. I have been an absolute train wreck these past few days. I have realized some things though that need to seriously be addressed with myself.

I need to learn coping skills. Iíve been using marijuana as a solution to my worries. The reality is itís only half of the solution. I need to work on the other half.

I have got to talk about the way that I am feeling. I keep everything so bottled up deep inside in a place where I will never be able to lose it. I have no idea why Iím holding on to all this pain but it is really starting to affect my health(mentally and otherwise) Since I came here last week I have been making an honest effort to say exactly how Iím feeling, no holding anything back, tears and all. That doesnít mean Iím exploding on people. I am refusinf to continue bottling this all up. Itís time to let some of it go. I let go of something big the other day, and it was like I could take a breath.  

I have to follow up with all these resources that are being offered to me, and believe me, there are a lot. I need to take the next little while to really work on who I am and who I want to be. I need to deticate some serious time and effort to this. If nothing changes then nothing changes.

Most importantly, no matter what happens, I need to be there for my kids, and I need to set an example for them that says ďIím breaking the cycle, you can too!Ē

I am being discharged tomorrow, and I am scared guys. I am going back to my home tomorrow, where my kidsí mother will also be staying. The plan is to to have me stay in the basement until we can figure out something that is financially feasible for the two of us  Iíve taken a sick note from my doctor for a few months off work so I can focus my time and energy in to working on personal growth, and making sure I never wind myself up in a situation like this ever again.

I saved a screenshot of my Facebook app from Saturday. Once the app locked itself, that was when I knew shit was about to hit the fan, and Iím glad it did, because honestly, it probably saved me.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on September 15, 2018, 08:23:21 PM
When nothing changes, nothing changes.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: Retrospectives on September 16, 2018, 08:48:00 AM
Good luck Mitch. I think that there is a lot of words that can be said but I think you summoned it up yourself the best: I need to learn coping skills. Iíve been using marijuana as a solution to my worries. The reality is itís only half of the solution. I need to work on the other half.

Certainly. As with most medicines and such thing, they can act great as reliever when we are in need of them the most. But we should not depend on them unless very necessary, and sometime yes, is necessary. At same time they pose a risk, of mental escape. Is easy pop a pill and get going, but trying reach and cope with what causing the need of "pop a pill" so to speak is long term probably more important than anything else.

Not trying lecture anything. Absolutely not, and I know you know too, so I just want wish you good luck. Right now I myself have a bit hard time in life, so I been down for couple of days, but I hope will become better. When I feel the most bad I just turn off everything, go to gym or down to local wrestling or other grappling club and do some intense sparring. At least then I take out myself physically which is better than doing something else more destructive. Sure, life is not easy and I have physical scars as well as mental, but at least we are alive and while that is a fact, there is a chance of changing.

Wish you the best. Thanks for being strong and sharing your story, wish sometime I had same courage to be more open, but yeah. It is what it is.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MWK on September 29, 2018, 08:09:43 PM
Hey MaxXimus, how's things at ya? Hope you keep up the good job, man.
Have you been thinking about playing something reeeaaaly long on NES/Famicom during the downdays, like Willow or Gargoyle's Quest II?
Take care buddy :pow:


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on October 09, 2018, 02:03:55 AM
Iím not going to lie. Things have been horrible. Nothing changed. I need to move out of here before things get worse. I have no job and no money though so thatís impossible. Iím trapped.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on October 15, 2018, 04:47:26 PM
I have a doctors appointment on Tuesday to chat, and also see if he will put me on short term disability while I figure everything out. The last day or so has been alright I suppose. I played a little Super Mario Word the last couple days. It took a tiny bit for me to get in to but I passed donut bridge now and have a bunch of star road completed. Iíll probably play through to the end because of the cool world changes once you do. Iím playing on my projector which my kids are also enjoying.

Iíve been taking the condensed DBT class they offered me, but I honestly donít know how I feel about it. It all seems to rushed. I also havenít heard anything yet about seeing s psychiatrist, so thatís something Iíll talk to my doctor about.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: UglyJoe on October 17, 2018, 01:21:57 AM
Good to hear from you again, Max.

It seems weird to me that they wouldn't have had you talk to a psychiatrist yet.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on October 18, 2018, 09:41:47 PM
I was never referred apparently. Iím back at the CRC now trying to get that sorted out. They are also changing my DBT classes to more of a one on one thing.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: security16 on October 21, 2018, 05:09:40 AM
I'm glad that you've gone and got help. Part of the reason for my extended absence here has been because of anxiety and PTSD so if you need to talk to someone who knows what this special hell is like hit me up. I never qualified for being able to be put on meds because I have reasonably healthy coping mechanisms but I got to a point where I was getting lazy / past where I could use them correctly.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: FamicomFreak on October 31, 2018, 02:43:11 AM
Hey man I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I hope things get better for you. Believe me, I've hit rock bottom and gotten up again. We still have a long way to go! Lets dew it!


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on October 31, 2018, 03:33:57 PM
So many false promises. Nothing is working out. The CRC is now saying maybe I need something they canít offer and it seems like they are trying to pass me along. I donít think that Iíll end up seeing any psychiatrist at all. Iím still doing the condensed DBT, but itís not enough. Also there is 0 one on one. They have recommended I take the CBT classes once I finish the DBT ones. I am also going to be switching family doctors. I gave him disability papers over 2 weeks ago and the government still doesnít have them. I called my doctors office a few days ago and the receptionist said sheíd ask the doctor and phone me back. I never got a call back. I also told him my meds are not working and so he just refilled them anyway and sent me on my way.. I gave the government my doctors sick note off work, though they claimed they never got it , so I didnít even get any provincial assistance in the bank. So much for rent and bills. It really is one thing after another. Iím also trying to move out and provincial assistance wonít give me any answer on how I can get my own funds to do that. (Everything goes to my exís bank)

This next part may or may not disturb some people so I hid it. Click if you want to know a little bit more.

No one wants to hear this, but I was going to attempt suicide a couple weeks ago. I never went through with it. I was going to take my whole bottle of clonazepam with a glass of water. I looked it up and itís really hard to lethal OD on benzodiazepines by themselves and I didnít want to leave myself in a position where I was still alive and didnít have any more meds. I told the CRC all this already. I know I could have done the same with a bottle of Tylenol and it would have worked 100% but the goal was to fall asleep and maybe not wake up. I didnít want to be in excruciating pain while my liver shut down followed by my other organs from Tylenol toxicity.

This seems to be where I stand right now. At this point I truly think that I wonít be able to be happy in life and I seem to be too cowardly to just do it.

Post Merge: November 01, 2018, 04:22:31 AM
The ex and I, as well as my mom and brother, took the kids trick or treating. The kids had fun and got some good loot. I had a pretty decent time for the most part which was nice.

The kids are getting so big. They are a huge motivator for me to keep plugging on. Theyíre all so handsome. My mom got them costumes this year because I not Kyla could afford it. Thank goodness for that. Sheís been very supportive through all this.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on November 06, 2018, 03:34:11 PM
I am finally getting my psychiatry appointment tomorrow. I hope we can figure out whats going on, and get me back on track.

Post Merge: November 07, 2018, 04:44:20 PM
I am just in the waiting area waiting to see the psychiatrist. Here goes.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on November 13, 2018, 06:15:48 PM
Iím so disappointed in our medical system with regards to mental health. I really need a fresh start or something. Time to put the past behind me, so to speak. Take care guys. :) bye for now.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: Jedi QuestMaster on November 14, 2018, 01:11:35 AM
Have you considered making music? I feel learning an instrument is an experience like no other.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: fcgamer on November 14, 2018, 02:14:42 PM
Have you considered joining a church group or something? I've dealt with severe depression off and on for years, with 2008 and 2016 being particularly horrible, actually this year is shaping up to be somewhat bad as well.

I was raised Catholic but am not particularly religious (I rarely attend services unless my family is over here visiting me), but my mom's been staying at my place the past few weeks, and I've been attending service regularly.

Although I don't really look forward to going, I always go away with a good feeling for the rest of the day...I guess from the sensory overload, and then just the positive messages paired with it. Maybe it just gives me a sense of belonging.

Post Merge: November 14, 2018, 02:18:30 PM
During my senior year in high school, one of my classmates offed himself, he was accused of rape after an incident at a party (it's been said the two were drinking heavily, she regretted in the morning), he then went to the woods a day or two later and shot himself. Smart kid, was a good guy, the sort that tried to be friends with everyone

Post Merge: November 14, 2018, 02:21:46 PM
Committing suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and that comes from a guy dealing with depression. I'll never forget that day packed in the tiny church, seeing the grieving faces of so many people.

Your Famicom world family loves you dude, so do many many people in your day to day life. Your time certainly has not come yet, and we are all rooting for you.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on November 18, 2018, 01:00:51 AM
Iím not staying there anymore. Kyla and I had an argument and she called the police. I left voluntarily because this is just getting so out of hand. Iím staying with my mom right now. She has taken the kids and is refusing to let m stalk to them so I guess I am going to be going to court for joint custody. Just one more thing to add to the table.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: Jedi QuestMaster on November 18, 2018, 03:50:47 PM
Ugh! Father's usually get shafted in separation/divorce proceedings.

Not to add fart to the flame, but The Honey Badgers (https://www.youtube.com/user/HoneyBadgerRadio/videos) talk a lot about these men's issues.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on November 18, 2018, 05:27:00 PM
Iíll check it out. Today I feel good. Iím meeting up with an old friend just to do some window shopping and just talk and catch up. I havenít really gone and hung out with someone in a while  I feel excited, and sort of like a teen again. Iím just at the mall right now waiting. :)

Post Merge: November 19, 2018, 06:01:00 PM
Yesterday was awesome guys. First day in forever where litterally everything was great.

Today I got served with a protection order from my ex, so I guess at this point I canít get my things or talk to my kids.

I am just thinking about how well yesterday went and Iím clinging on to that. I am at the doctors office right now and I was going to talk about starting a taper plan to get off of the benzodiazepines, but after this I donít know if I will be able to deal without the meds.

Post Merge: November 19, 2018, 06:06:00 PM
My life is the equivalent of DOOM for PS1 on Ultra Violence. Itís difficult man.

Post Merge: November 19, 2018, 09:53:55 PM
So my doctor agrees I should stay on the clonazepam a couple more months until things settle a bit then do a taper plan.

I went to fill my prescription and my assistance file has been closed. (Not working at the moment) so now I canít even get my meds. I went right down to their main office to explain that I could start having seizures and possibly die if I donít have my meds(which sucks but itís also scary) so they are putting a rush on getting my medical covered again. Hopefully thatís in place by tomorrow. Also since they had already issued this months benefit(in my exís bank) while I was living there, they will not issue any more money even though Iím not living there and she has it all. They told me I have to contact her and get some of the money but I canít call because of the protection order....  itís actually sort of funny in a sick twisted way if you think about it.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: conrat4567 on November 20, 2018, 11:02:01 AM
Hi, Just a newbie and probably someone who has no place replying to thread like this but I just want to say that for me the best method of help was occupying the mind (one of the reasons I started collecting famicom stuff). I also found fishing and photography a good method too, especially the latter as I really got to see beauty in the world. I will keep it short and say this. I hope you get better and keep strong.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on November 21, 2018, 02:33:57 AM
You have every right to post in this thread. This thread is for anyone and everyone. I really appreciate the ideas. I think nature is beautiful. Maybe Iíll start taking photos of it n.

So I talked to a friend who knows a lot about law and she looked over the protection order and Kyla tried to get it for her and the kids but it was rejected by the judge. She is refusing to let me see them. I am going to legal aid tomorrow after the queens bench.

I am just trying to breathe and look at whatís happening without judgement. I am trying to accept what is happening, just like I kept hearing about in the DBT classes. Itís just so hard. She is using the kids as weapons and bashing me to the kids. Itís so hurtful.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: conrat4567 on November 21, 2018, 03:01:31 PM
The worst thing is when they use the kids. When my mum and dad split she used us to get things like money and the likes from my dad but as I got older I saw what she was doing and confronted her about it and even went on my own to see him and i truly believe your kids will see this too but I also believe you will get to see them before they grow up to that point so stay strong mate and keep chugging along.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on November 21, 2018, 09:21:35 PM
I really appreciate the words. My kids resenting me is a huge feat of mine, but how you handled the situation gives me hope in a worst case scenario. Thank you.

Today started out rough but has ended up being a good productive day. I got a lot accomplished, so now I am treating myself to some needed relaxation. I may even have a hoot. Iíve cut back on the medical marijuana quite a bit over the last week. From around 3 ish grams a day to less than one. One or two hoots a day. I am applying for a parenting class as well. Iíve applied for legal aid as well. Things are moving along slowly but surely. One day at a time. It probably will be a bit before I can see my kids again though which destroys me, but I am trying to think about how itís not perminent.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: conrat4567 on November 21, 2018, 10:08:19 PM
No worries man just keep going and take your time and do what you need to do. I genuinely hope it all works out for you and I also truly hope you see your kids again too. Good luck and take some well needed rest. The days are 24 hours long, thatís plenty of time


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on November 23, 2018, 10:09:06 PM
I got to see my oldest son today for a few minutes at his school facilitates by the principal. It made my day. I miss the younger guys but I will see them as soon as I can and Iím going to have presents waiting for them.

Today was a win for me. I am so happy and so proud. I feel fun Mitch poling through again after soooooo long.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: conrat4567 on November 24, 2018, 05:28:55 AM
Thatís good, real good. The oldest is usually the one that influences the younger ones so this is a huge step even if it was for just minutes. Once you get it sorted, take the oldest one out for a meal if you can and talk because that my dad did and I can tell you it worked. I am glad you are feeling better and again stay strong and keep chugging along and I am sure all will be fine.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on November 24, 2018, 04:03:02 PM
Sort of what kind of things did he say? Like even though the mom is nuts, I donít want to turn her kids against her. I just want them to know that she refused to let me see them when there was no protection order of any kind in place for them. Iíve been going to legal aid and court of queens bench. I am going to be talking with CFS(CPS) on Monday to see if they can help facilitate something for me because she is not allowed to be doing what sheís doing, but apparently there isnít any law stopping her from doing it.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: conrat4567 on November 24, 2018, 04:19:08 PM
Well for starters he just asked me plain and simple If i knew what was going on and then after that tried to act normal and make the day mostly about me and my brother. In terms of laws I am unaware of how it works but over here in the UK unless there is no order in place there is nothing law wise stopping you from seeing the child. To stop them turning I think its best to get through to the older one first as while I know sibling rivalries can really cause a rift it can really help if the oldest goes to see you and reports back if you will. Good luck with the legal stuff


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on December 05, 2018, 08:31:54 PM
Today is the day I start a taper plan to get off of Clonazepam. It has been a really rough ride guys, but holy hell do I fee better than I did. All I have to say is thank god I kept holding on. Sorry if I worried any of you guys. I didnít know who else to talk to about all this. I appreciate this community.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: fcgamer on December 06, 2018, 03:06:02 AM
Today is the day I start a taper plan to get off of Clonazepam. It has been a really rough ride guys, but holy hell do I fee better than I did. All I have to say is thank god I kept holding on. Sorry if I worried any of you guys. I didnít know who else to talk to about all this. I appreciate this community.

Awesome, I am glad to hear some positive news :)


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: Bry89 on December 07, 2018, 08:13:01 AM
I've only just returned here recently and, I'm shocked of what's happened according to the first post. Good that things have improved now, and hope they remain that way. Stay strong, friend :)


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on December 08, 2018, 03:29:23 PM
I appreciate it guys. I had to claw my way out of this one. I truly honestly hope that no one even experiences even a fraction of the internal psychological pain and torment I went through. I am not religious, but I was honestly living in what I considdered to be hell on earth. It was a very sad, depressing, and dark time.

Iím just on day 3 of my taper plan, and my stomach is really not happy. I feel so hung over(no getting drunk though) that I donít really want to move at this point. Iím also fairly dizzy feeling. Ugh. Itís definitely worse than yesterday. I would say the feeling hasnít reached its point of intensity, but it is definitely not a mild feeling anymore. Another week or so of this until things start getting better Iím told by the pharmacist. My doctor said I wouldnít have withdrawal the liar. I knew that though so....

The point is I need this stuff out of my system. Just another few weeks.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: P on December 10, 2018, 06:02:03 PM
Haven't been on Famicom World for some time but I still follow this thread. I'm glad that you didn't give up and that things are finally starting getting brighter again. Hope you get better soon like the pharmacist said. Just never give up!


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on December 10, 2018, 07:05:45 PM
Day 5. I have a bad headache. The nausea has gone down but it keeps coming in waves. I have no energy and generally I just donít feel very good.

Post Merge: December 10, 2018, 11:12:15 PM
Honestly, I don't want to jynx things because I have to lower my dose by half again in a couple days, but i think I might be through the worst of the withdrawal.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: famiac on December 11, 2018, 07:21:29 AM
My cousin had a horrible horrible time with Klonopin/Clonazepam. We all wished he never took it. It was wrecking his personality but he was addicted to benzos and couldnít stop. Iím really glad youíre getting off that stuff. Keep up the stamina! I hope you feel better soon.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on December 11, 2018, 11:38:00 AM
Iím not going to lie. I completely underestimated how I was going to feel. Iíve just woken up and I feel hung over again, but not by much, so itís definitely becoming more manageable. I am sorry about your cousin! I honestly believe at this point that it is WAY to overprescribed. The stuff is clearly poison. I donít take my morning dose for another couple hours at least, so I may go back to bed for an hour.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on December 19, 2018, 02:40:16 PM
So yeah. Still feel sick. Hopefully only another couple weeks of withdrawal. I honestly did not expect this at all.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: Bry89 on December 20, 2018, 04:47:59 PM
Well just keep at it. Don't lose the fight :)


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on December 20, 2018, 07:59:05 PM
Thereís no way in hell im giving up at this point. Iím so close.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on January 03, 2019, 01:37:53 AM
I fricken' did it!!!!


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: UglyJoe on January 03, 2019, 04:31:06 PM
Congrats! :pow:


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on January 03, 2019, 07:46:20 PM
Wooooooooo! Let this be a prime example to never give up when the going gets tough.


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: P on January 05, 2019, 07:10:20 PM
I knew it! Congrats!


Title: Re: I just lost everything.
Post by: MaxXimus on June 10, 2019, 03:37:14 PM
The kids' mom is crazy. She is for the 3rd time now since the end of November, taking me for sole custody, but this time she also wants the courts to force me to let her get passports for them so she can take them out of the country.

She won't be happy until she has everything.

However!

I have been seeing this girl Brodie the last few weeks. Shes really cool.