Jokes

[JC]

I don't think we have a thread like this, so I figured I'd start it. From Comedy Central:

Holy Shot!

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.

Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''

''No, I guess not,'' says God.

The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.

Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''

To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''

[kezja]

Wow...  Horrible political joke right here...

Four doctors were talking shop one day...

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We took an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country was looking for work the next day!"

Another joke.

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."

Morris hung his head and whispered - "To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"

And one last one...

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

These jokes aren't mine.  Just copy and paste from the Web. 

[JC]

That last joke, though long, is really funny, kezja.

New one:

BLONDE AND THE LORD

  A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many
  books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary
  tools together, she made for the ice.

  After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to
  make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky,
  a voice boomed,

  "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

  Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,
  poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet
  another hole.

  Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

  "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

  The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to
  the opposite end of the ice.

  She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

  The voice came once more,

  "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

  She stopped, looked skyward, and said,

  "IS THAT YOU LORD?"

  The voice replied,

  "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK. "

[kite200]

haha jc. Ok, I like in soviet russia puns. so, I thought i'd share the best.


In California you go to party, in soviet russia party finds you!
In America you watch television, in soviet russia television watch you!
In America you check out book, in soviet russia book checks out you!
In Mozilla, you keep tabs on your browser. In soviet russia, browser keeps tabs on you!

[Jedi Master Baiter]

In the US you put "In God we trust" on your money; in Soviet Russia, we trust no one with our money!

Lame, I know

[JC]

I apologize ahead of time to any West Virginians.

A Virgin Hick

Two hicks from West Virginia got married and were having their honeymoon in a local motel. They begin doing what honeymooners always do, but right before they consummate the marriage the woman says, "Be gentle, I'm a virgin."

The man is shocked and visibly upset and storms out of the room without saying a word. He goes home to his family and tells them what happened, and his dad agrees, "If she isn't good enough for her own family, she sure as hell isn't good enough for you!"

[kite200]

LOL west virginia

[JC]

Cheesy, but appropriate for today:

The History of Cinco de Mayo

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

[TheSSNintendo]

haha jc. Ok, I like in soviet russia puns. so, I thought i'd share the best.


In California you go to party, in soviet russia party finds you!
In America you watch television, in soviet russia television watch you!
In America you check out book, in soviet russia book checks out you!
In Mozilla, you keep tabs on your browser. In soviet russia, browser keeps tabs on you!

I got a couple, but corny, Soviet Russia puns.

In America, you beat the meat. In Soviet Russia, meat beats you!
In Facebook, you write on wall. In Soviet Russia, wall writes on you!

[Jedi Master Baiter]

In Soviet Russia, joke ruins YOU!!

[kite200]

that was a good response jedi

[TheSSNintendo]

I told you mine stunk.

[JC]

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[kite200]

haha good one

[FamicomFreak]

lol funny