Jokes

[133MHz]

A couple that was married for 20 years always made love with the lights off.

Well, after 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned the lights on.

She looked down... and saw that her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device -- a vibrator -- softer and larger than a real penis.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."

[JC]

My apologies if you find this joke offensive. I was raised Catholic and found this sooo funny...

There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

[manuel]

It's funny AND true.

[MaxXimus]

You can tune a piano but you cant tuna fish.

?

[JC]

Mighty Mouse

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

[133MHz]

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.

One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm.

He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on!

The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!!!'

[133MHz]

This is a video joke http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1TnzCiUSI0 . Enjoy!

[Paul-FC]

This is a video joke http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1TnzCiUSI0 . Enjoy!

LOL 

[nintendodork]

BUMP

I have none, I just love this thread!

[Rogles]

In Soviet Russia, bag come in MILKS!!

...Shut up.

[Jedi Master Baiter]

What's the difference between my vacuum & that joke you just told?
Nothing. They're both old & suck.

[JC]

Please avoid racial, ethnic or cultural jokes because some may see them as offensive.

[L___E___T]

Yeah, I think Jewish jokes like that as well fall seriously low on the morality scale.  People lost entire generations and whole families back then, so even to non-Jewish people like myself that is more a sign of your integrity than a joke at all. 

You may not have meant offense but it's enought to make me never buy, sell or trade with you now or in the future and I may not be the only one on here.

Light hearted jokes can often be taken as anti semitic, but yours was just deeply insensitive.  Likewise I would never joke about any killings in with Afghan or Palestinian themes so it's not like I take sides even.

[L___E___T]

You know I take all that back, simply because you did the right thing and apologised straight off.  That shows you have much more character than earlier posts suggested.

I have Jewish friends, Muslim friends, Sikh, Hindu, Rasta and Catholic friends.  Heck I've even got Jehova's Witness friends  -  I never take sides but that one did kinda hurt to read after watching the Pianist recently.

Please don't take my rant TOO seriously - I'll even post a joke to show fair:

America once tried to make a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take sh*t from nobody.

Sorry Chuck!

[famiac]

Whats the differene between a pregnant lady and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb!

OOOOOOOOOHH!!! HAHAHA lol. mY friend told me this one