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September 21, 2018, 12:53:30 AM
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fcgamer
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« Reply #15 on: September 02, 2018, 03:32:25 PM »

Hi Mitch, I woke up this morning to seeing your post here, and that is definitely not the way I prefer to wake up on my Sunday.

I want to wish you the best. Like everyone else on the forums, I don't know the details of what you are going through, but I can also sense that it's quite a big situation. Everyone here at Nintendo Age is rooting for you, and I am also in the club of folks that is willing to listen, should you need someone to talk to.

I really wish you the best, and will keep you in my prayers. Everything happens for a reason, but in the end, there's always some sort of deeper silver lining. I hope all will work out for you bro.
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MaxXimus
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« Reply #16 on: September 02, 2018, 11:06:56 PM »

Things are way too intense for me now. Iím going to an inpatient program for a few days. Iím just packing some things.
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Retrospectives
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« Reply #17 on: September 03, 2018, 07:35:44 AM »

To have the self awareness of knowing when is time to reach out for the help is a very good sign which proves you take your issues in a most serious way. Too many people don't know how and when is time to seek out that help and then it might be too late already.

With that said. I am glad you're able to do the sane thing and get the professional help now and not later. Wish you the best of luck and that you get the help you need.
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fcgamer
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« Reply #18 on: September 03, 2018, 10:41:00 AM »

To have the self awareness of knowing when is time to reach out for the help is a very good sign which proves you take your issues in a most serious way. Too many people don't know how and when is time to seek out that help and then it might be too late already.

With that said. I am glad you're able to do the sane thing and get the professional help now and not later. Wish you the best of luck and that you get the help you need.


I feel exactly the same way, Retrospectives.  Being able to know and recognize that things are spinning out of control, and thus time to seek help, is a step in the right direction, one which many people sadly can't recognize.

Mitch, we all wish you the best.
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MaxXimus
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« Reply #19 on: September 05, 2018, 01:51:51 PM »

Yesterday was a really rough day for me. I woke up in the morning to take my meds and they handed me my antidepressant and clonazepam and a glass of water. I took them, and the nurse was just sort of standing there so I knew something was up. They took my medical marijuana away because I put it in a container that didnít have the original label(even though I had my medical documentation) they changed my clonazepam so I could have it when ever as needed, and I ended up taking 3 of them yesterday. No marijuana at all. I ordered more marijuana from my LP and then got on the phone with them and explained about where I was and how my meds were taken away and asked if they could push my order(at the end of the long weekend) to the front of the line. Today my medical marijuana arrived in my city from 2 provinces over and I should have it with all proper documentation later today. They have now changed my clonazepam to 2 times daily as needed in anticipation of it. I am going to be seeing a psychiatrist later today. Hopefully we can figure out some strategies to help me once I get discharged in a few days. We may discuss a slightly longer stay program. I donít know. Sorry for the wall of text. The clonazepam has made my head all fuzzy.
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« Reply #20 on: September 06, 2018, 05:23:27 AM »

MaxXimus, it's all OK, keep writing and keep us posted, please.
Also, watch out for that clonazepam to NOT overdose it, this stuff sticks to your brain like meth even after a brief period of using...
Take care out there buddy POW
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MaxXimus
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« Reply #21 on: September 06, 2018, 12:18:44 PM »

Day 4.  Honestly. Today has started on a good note which is totally abnormal for me. The funniest thing ever (in my head anyway) happened yeatrtday.  So I get my medical marijuana with proper labels and everything so they let me use it again. For anyone who is a daily user and stops for even a brief period will probably relate to this. I smoked my bowl, and I got so baked that I stood outside wondering how I was going to play it cool when I went back in there. So I finally work up the courage to bring my pipe and lighter back to the nurse. Iím  all trying to play it cool so I decide to not look her in the eyes or say anything as I hand the pipe back. Smooooooth I know. Do you think she knew?

Anyway that situation made me laugh for a bit, then I cried because I had a realization that all in all, Iím not a very stable person. I shared what happened (less the super baked part) with the nurse and she gave some insight.

The psychiatrist has set me up to start taking part in a UFIT program which consists of CBT and some other stuff. Managing anxiety and controlling mood swings. Find strategies to cope with life and everything it brings. I am by no means fixed? Not even close, but maybe there is a future for me. I donít know what it holds, but neither does anyone else. Right?

I think Iím making some progress.
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Retrospectives
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« Reply #22 on: September 06, 2018, 04:13:46 PM »

I wouldn't want to use the word "fixed" vs "non fixed" but rather I think life is a journey of certain period when we feel better or worse. Sometimes so bad we cannot take responsibility over what we do, but that is why there is help to get. At the same time, I am sure a person that sometime had life experience and going through hard time also have a choice, to continue trying the best or become a bitter of life person. I think you are not that bitter person, and that is why you seek out help.

So in many ways, you are taking care of yourself by taking and creating a chance for you to do so. So please follow through and I am sure that in the time it might take, you will learn not only how to avoid situations as you described that you became very sad about realize that you are not very stable.

My point is that I believe from the little I read is you are really a person that can make those changes. Not only did you realize and actually sought out for help, but one thing when you are inside there that you have is probably time to think about life, and while realizing many facts, is of course might seem tragic and miserable, but in the end, is a new start for something different. So yes, progress it is. Absolutely.
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MaxXimus
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« Reply #23 on: September 06, 2018, 07:22:11 PM »

I had a severe panic attack today. My kids mom kept saying over and over about how she wanted all these things that I couldnít offer her and I kept asking her to stop and she wouldnít. I donít even know why Iím posting this stuff itís just insane. To be honest I think Iím headed for a longer term program.
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« Reply #24 on: September 07, 2018, 06:02:55 AM »

Wow I wasn't expecting to see this type of thread here in my lifetime. I'm sorry to hear what happened.

I hope you feel better soon. Please don't give up. You can get through the bad times.  Cry
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« Reply #25 on: September 07, 2018, 09:40:04 AM »

Retrospectives said some good things I think. Maybe I'm just stupid, but I think that as with any struggle I think you will feel there are times of progress and other times you feel you are going just going backwards, and at those hard times I think it's the most important to not give up. We are on your side man, so keep fighting.
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Retrospectives
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« Reply #26 on: September 07, 2018, 09:57:46 AM »

I had a severe panic attack today. My kids mom kept saying over and over about how she wanted all these things that I couldnít offer her and I kept asking her to stop and she wouldnít. I donít even know why Iím posting this stuff itís just insane. To be honest I think Iím headed for a longer term program.

Sorry to hear that. May I ask, how you handle when a panic attack occur? I mean, some people become sad and cry, some people angry, some people resort to substances (drugs, alcohol, or other things to calm down). By no mean I try telling you what to do or not. I understand thing need it take time, but I suppose there is why there is a need of going throght with the CBT. Learning how to tackle the anxiety before it breaks out into full fledged panic attack.

I also have very anxious sometime, especially during my youth, but nothing about human is totally static I believe. There is always some dynamic to twist or bend and finally we can find a way sorting out our reactions to other people actions. Of course, not we should become robots, but you know, just more self aware about how we act and especially react to other people that might now always want to say something nice.

Please keep updating, as you can see. We are a whole bunch people caring a lot. You are doing fine. Stay as long as you need. In my opinion, extended period of stay is nothing bad. Rather the opposite. Good luck!
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MaxXimus
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« Reply #27 on: September 07, 2018, 11:00:16 AM »

When I have a panic attack, it consists of either absolute terror(I act as though Iím about to be murdered) or uncontrollable breathing and crying hysterically. I get severe tunnel vision and my teeth start vibrating. I donít mean chattering like when youíre cold. I literally mean they feel like they are vibrating. Think how a control rumbles, but from the inside of my teeth. . I had a crisis worker work with me through it and once I was calm enough they gave me my clonazepam and decided I had had enough stress for the day so suggested I turn my phone off to get away from the outside world.

Iíve been signed up for UFIT which consists of CBT and other stuff, as well as signed up for see a counsellor, and they are seeing what they can do to get me referred to a psychiatrist. Today the nurse wants to stick only to clonazepam and leave the medical marijuana alone for the day. At this point Iíll try anything.

I feel physically ill like Iím going to vomit.

Post Merge: September 07, 2018, 06:20:23 PM
Ok seriously I know this is probably fleeting but they gave me back my marijuana again after taking it away the second time, and Iím just at the doctors office outside of the treatment building, and I feel not great, but pretty good. Right now I am on my 60mg cymbalta, 0.5mg clonazepam(which I am not too happy about) and my beloved medical marijuana that I cherish so very much. My children are one of the only things I love more than my beautiful beautiful THC.

Post Merge: September 08, 2018, 12:22:45 PM
Yesterday was not that bad actually. I had a bunch of downs, but I also had some ups, and for a little, I forgot about everything that was bugging me, and I was able to socialize in an upbeat way with some of the other clients. I know that reality is waiting for me once Iím out of here, but I am trying to have supports put in place for when that happens because itís going to be rocky.

Iíve been thinking a LOT about how crazy of a trip life is. Itís got so many highs and lows, there are things you will see and do that will blow your mind. Existence provides a trip so intense, psychedelics couldnít even begin to match what it has to offer. For something so immensely extreme and intense, maybe itís worth hanging around to whiteness how it al unfolds.

Iím not Christian, or religious at all really for that matter (though thereís nothing wrong with it) but I am feeling more spiritual every day. Weíre all part of something so grand we could never even begin to imagine.

Post Merge: September 08, 2018, 07:49:18 PM
I just wanted to say that I have two of the most amazing friends ever. I got a day pass for 4 hours, and they took me out for food, they bought me a nice pair of pants, and took me to this really cool candy store with a bunch of stuff you canít buy in Canada Normally. You people in the USA are lucky. Peach Crush is amazing.

Anyway the point of this is they made me feel really good about myself today. Itís been a while.

Post Merge: September 09, 2018, 09:23:37 AM
I have not really slept at all. This one nurse keeps telling me I should be cutting back on the marijuana and itís to the point where I am barely using one gram out of my 5 gram script. Iíve cut back so much to try and keep him happy and itís throwing my whole system out of whack. I just had this insanely vivid nightmare where I was being attacked by someone. I canít remember it but I ended up just kicking at the air for a few seconds thinking I was fighting for my life.

Post Merge: September 09, 2018, 11:27:41 PM
Aright. I have been an absolute train wreck these past few days. I have realized some things though that need to seriously be addressed with myself.

I need to learn coping skills. Iíve been using marijuana as a solution to my worries. The reality is itís only half of the solution. I need to work on the other half.

I have got to talk about the way that I am feeling. I keep everything so bottled up deep inside in a place where I will never be able to lose it. I have no idea why Iím holding on to all this pain but it is really starting to affect my health(mentally and otherwise) Since I came here last week I have been making an honest effort to say exactly how Iím feeling, no holding anything back, tears and all. That doesnít mean Iím exploding on people. I am refusinf to continue bottling this all up. Itís time to let some of it go. I let go of something big the other day, and it was like I could take a breath.  

I have to follow up with all these resources that are being offered to me, and believe me, there are a lot. I need to take the next little while to really work on who I am and who I want to be. I need to deticate some serious time and effort to this. If nothing changes then nothing changes.

Most importantly, no matter what happens, I need to be there for my kids, and I need to set an example for them that says ďIím breaking the cycle, you can too!Ē

I am being discharged tomorrow, and I am scared guys. I am going back to my home tomorrow, where my kidsí mother will also be staying. The plan is to to have me stay in the basement until we can figure out something that is financially feasible for the two of us  Iíve taken a sick note from my doctor for a few months off work so I can focus my time and energy in to working on personal growth, and making sure I never wind myself up in a situation like this ever again.

I saved a screenshot of my Facebook app from Saturday. Once the app locked itself, that was when I knew shit was about to hit the fan, and Iím glad it did, because honestly, it probably saved me.
« Last Edit: September 09, 2018, 11:31:59 PM by MaxXimus » Logged
MaxXimus
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« Reply #28 on: September 15, 2018, 08:23:21 PM »

When nothing changes, nothing changes.
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Retrospectives
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« Reply #29 on: September 16, 2018, 08:48:00 AM »

Good luck Mitch. I think that there is a lot of words that can be said but I think you summoned it up yourself the best: I need to learn coping skills. Iíve been using marijuana as a solution to my worries. The reality is itís only half of the solution. I need to work on the other half.

Certainly. As with most medicines and such thing, they can act great as reliever when we are in need of them the most. But we should not depend on them unless very necessary, and sometime yes, is necessary. At same time they pose a risk, of mental escape. Is easy pop a pill and get going, but trying reach and cope with what causing the need of "pop a pill" so to speak is long term probably more important than anything else.

Not trying lecture anything. Absolutely not, and I know you know too, so I just want wish you good luck. Right now I myself have a bit hard time in life, so I been down for couple of days, but I hope will become better. When I feel the most bad I just turn off everything, go to gym or down to local wrestling or other grappling club and do some intense sparring. At least then I take out myself physically which is better than doing something else more destructive. Sure, life is not easy and I have physical scars as well as mental, but at least we are alive and while that is a fact, there is a chance of changing.

Wish you the best. Thanks for being strong and sharing your story, wish sometime I had same courage to be more open, but yeah. It is what it is.
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